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[rockymountaindie]

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[protegge]

[It's a weird tone. Mista doesn't really know what to make of it right this second. Unfortunately, right this second, the nuances of it aren't his priority. They will be later, but not now.]

So he ambushed you? Sniped you? What?

[Information is what he needs, first and foremost. Then he can make a plan.]

[rockymountaindie]

Ye- yeah. Sniped, I guess, no one saw him before.

[ A little stilted. ]

[protegge]

Hm.

[Mm. Okay. Right, so.]

You know why?

[rockymountaindie]

[ For a moment, Alex doesn't reply. He clears his throat and- ]

Because I hit 'im. And I mouthed off. And...he wanted me to learn something.

[ He's pretty casual about it all, on text. At least, he was, in the few places he'd thrown in his thoughts. Dismissive, sarcastic. Not so, now. All that's in his voice now is bitterness. Regret. ]

[protegge]

. . . Right.

[There's no reprimand in Mista's voice. Not a ton of emotion at all, as a matter of fact. Just the grim sense of not-really-satisfaction at being proven right when he really didn't want to be.]

Okay. I'm telling you this because I don't wanna keep shit from you. [. . . It's not not pointed.] And you're my friend.

If he pulls something like this again, I'm gonna kill him.

[Fact.]

As many times as it takes.

[Fact.]

[rockymountaindie]

[ This requires a response immediately, and yet Alex can barely find the words. ]

Sh- M-Mista, what?! No, you- you can't, can't do that, don't you remember what I- it's four times 'nd then she's gotta collect, and- and more than that you- we still lose somethin', after all that, it's not a...a video game respawn!

[protegge]

I know that.

[That is, in fact, the point.]

[rockymountaindie]

[ A bit firmer. ]

So- you can't do that, man, you can't.

[protegge]

I'm not asking your permission. I'm telling you what's gonna happen.

[rockymountaindie]

You can't do that to me, alright?!

[protegge]

Why's that?

[rockymountaindie]

'Cause I'm not gonna let anyone else die 'cause of me! Not even a fucking asshole like him.

[protegge]

It's not just about you. Part of it's about you, but not all of it.

I'm not gonna let him hurt my people to make a point.

[rockymountaindie]

[ My people, something about that gives him just a moment's pause. ]

Why'd you be doing this? 'Cause he killed me, so no matter how much of it's somethin' else- it's still about me, and I'm not- what d'you think the Director'd do to you if you did something like that? Jesus Christ, Mist, think for a minute!

[protegge]

Because he's a threat to all of us, if this wasn't a one-time thing. Hell, he is now, but I'll wait. See if he learns something.

The Director can do what she wants. Doesn't seem like she did much to him, though, after he shot you from the bushes. Who's he gonna off next time for bein' rude? Natsuki? Lion? Maya?

[rockymountaindie]

[ Each name is a twist of the knife, further and further. ]

Then- then-- then- fuck, he won't, okay? I'll make sure of it. He ain't gonna kill anyone else, I'll see to it myself.

[protegge]

That's not your responsibility. And you can't see to it. That's his choice, not yours.

[rockymountaindie]

Yes, it is!

[ Almost strange how forceful that is. ]

...I started this whole thing. It's... It is my responsibility. Whatever comes outta this... That's on me.

[protegge]

Why? You didn't start shit. Explain to me how the fuck you started this.

[rockymountaindie]

'Cause I was the one to tip the scales. I took out my anger on 'im... I ignored all the really good signs why I should leave the guy the fuck alone. And then Will, 'nd Wash found out, and the fucker almost dies delirious in a jail cell.

'Cause I got myself killed.

[protegge]

[You dumb fucker, he doesn't say. Pauses, ties his words up in organized lines instead of swearing.]

Alex. You ever killed anybody? Killed somebody with your own hands, not this "I'm responsible by accident" shit.

[rockymountaindie]

[ His teeth grind together for a few moments. ]

Mista, that's not fair.

[protegge]

How the fuck is that not fair? How the fuck is that not fair, Alex? Get off the cross for five seconds and fucking listen to me right now.

Somebody whose only excuse for killing another person is to teach them a lesson just needed a goddamn excuse. You hit him? Hot shit. You know how many people every day in every world get hit for stupid reasons and don't commit murder?

Take this on your soul and I'll never fucking forgive you, Alex, I swear to you. You carry enough, you—

[—and he's yelling, he realizes. Fury bubbling under his skin. His voice goes flat.]

Killing someone, [he says, quietly,] doesn't just happen. It's a thing that's done. An action that's taken. Feel guilty about Ogata killing you and he's basically killed you twice.

Your choice, though.

[rockymountaindie]

[ Somewhere around the middle of that, around Mista's voice raising, Alex feels his insides squirm and go rigid. He remembers Clear practically begging him, pleading with him to let it go. Live, Alex, you have to live, that's what they're doing, right? If you let it get to you like this, you're already dead he's basically killed you twice

Alex please, you can't lock yourself away. Please. Alex, you didn't do this, you saved people. Alex--


He shuts his eyes, hard, because he hates it. He hates when he can hear her voice, making sense, and he can't see her. Because she's not here. Because once again, he's finding her everywhere, but he can't find her. In the voices of other people.

He's been quiet. Alex hasn't been able to find his voice. Maybe Mista thinks he won't answer. Maybe he shouldn't. Maybe he


takes a shuddering breath. ]

If it's not my fault, why the fuck does this shit keep happening? [ Soft. Bitter. Angry. Pained. ] What...the fuck did I do...to make everything hate me so much?


[ (Clear would wrap him up in her arms and press their foreheads together. Clear would scream and curse at the whole universe if she had to. Clear would whisper him soft reassurances about defying the world together.
But Clear's not here. )

[protegge]

[There's two answers to this. There aren't two people inside of Mista, pushing two answers forward — but close enough. There are always two parts of Mista, one louder than the other until the second gets louder in turn, but he survives despite this inherent contradiction anyway. Fate versus free will. Fate and free will. When the question is what do you believe in, the answer is always yes.]

[Fate for the big things, free will for the rest of it. And: People in your life, or moments in your history that define you — that's the hand of God giving you a highway marker.]

[For Alex, a car crash. A plane crash. A train crash. And on and on and on, until what?]

[Until this.]

[What if the only way to end Alex's Death was to let it be devoured? No. The hand of fate doesn't work through the Hunger. He refuses to believe that. But if there's a purpose for him being here, then is there—]

[No. No. The sound he makes is practically a snarl, frustrated and tired and grieving at the same time as he knows this isn't the time for him to grieve.]

Because life sucks, Alex. Life's a fucking misery to the people who deserve it the least, some of the time. You think death's an asshole? Life's a bitch. People suffer. People die. It hurts and it doesn't stop hurting, not really.

[He's an optimist. But he's not fucking stupid. He's dumb but he's not stupid.]

So what? You gonna set traps for yourself until everything apologizes to you? You gonna hurt yourself so nothing else can hurt you first? Gonna feel guilty before you can do anything wrong?

Empty fuckin' way to live.