rockymountaindie | ic inbox (balance)

Don't.

She was always right.

[ Damn past tense. He slipped up again. ]

I spent...three months. Just hold up in my house. 'nd Death still came for me. [ Alex's voice sounds remarkably rough. ] She'd say...I couldn't let it get me like that. Get too crazy in my own head. My parents, they...they thought I'd gone certifiable. Maybe I had. Every day, she'd still... Even though it was out to get us both. She was the better of the both of us.

The day she finally got me outta my damn room, it... [ A slow, empty breath. ] It knew me real well. Knew how to get to me. She was too busy worrying about me, since I was... Since I'm a fucking wreck, and didn't see it coming. There wasn't any time. Force of it would've probably crushed anything it hit, and I just moved on instinct, and--

And that's just what it wanted me to do. Brick probably...caved in my skull entirely. And she... She was right there to watch.

[He listens. Still tired, still pissed, still over it. But this isn't his goddamn grief, no matter how much it feels like it right now. Thinking about fist-sized gut wounds and a pole through the eye, blood running down the stones, four bullets on the floor.]

[Hurts.]

Bet you a billion fucking dollars she'd rather that than you stay in your own prison.

[His voice is rough, but not without sympathy. It's just that it hurts.]

[ A humorless smile crosses his face. The arm the bracer isn't wrapped around, it reaches almost unconsciously to a coin necklace that's...so very out of place on him. Probably because it's not his. ]

Probably. ...I wasn't supposed- [ The world chills his mouth and burns him all at once. He swallows it down. ] I didn't want to leave her all alone. [ Again. ] I hope...she knew that. I wanted to...keep giving her...her second chance, and...

[ He's babbling. Rambling about things barely connected, things Mista has no way of knowing about. Pressing the coin deep into his palm, he breathes deep. ]

I'm just fuckin' tired. I'm just... I'm just tired of death.

You weren't supposed to get taken away from that. From her.

[Vicious, serious. Angry on Alex's behalf, for all of it. Because the world isn't supposed to work like that. Because at least he got a halfway happy ending before all of a sudden he didn't have it anymore.]

[There's a thump, something wooden, and a brief angry chatter in voices that aren't Mista's before they're quashed.]

Life isn't fucking fair but there's an order to things and it's not this. Something about your world is fucked sideways.

[He wonders what Death looks like, and if he could shoot it. Nice thought.]

It's not gonna be like this forever. It's fucking not. You're gonna get back to her and she's gonna say how right she was to tell you not to quit. And you're gonna go to more stupid parties and do more stupid shit and Death's gonna have to sit around with its thumb up its ass because it can't touch you anymore. If I have to make it happen myself it's gonna happen.

[Fuck Death. Fuck this. Fuck it all, he's done.]

[ The visceral rage in Mista's voice is almost overwhelming. As what can only be described as light collateral damage passes through the feed, Alex finds himself sitting stark straight before realizing it.

Be careful. Don't act rashly. Stop, please, it'll set off a chain reaction--

It's sick that his brain still operates like this. That he has to push it down, even after half a year living free of Death's machinations. For awhile, he'd had a little reprieve. Then Wonderland, and... Well. They've been much more frequent, since dying again.

Alex's whole body feels alight with pins and needles. He searches for something to ground him, physically, and...all he can find is Clear's beautiful, ugly sculpture, a lighthouse in the storm. ]

Mist. [ After all that verbal diarrhea, he's left with just...a whimper. That's basically what it is. ]

...I hope so. God, I really, really hope so.

[ At the end of it all, at least for now, Alex is even too tired to pick it apart with negativity. ]

[The thing is that he's got nothing to base his own confidence on. Most of the time, when he's confident, that ends up being the case. At the heart of things, and despite everything, he's an optimist. Even when he's looking at the worst of humanity, it's his nature to believe in the best possible outcome.]

[He's angry. He's so fucking angry. But the only way out of anger is through it, to something better than this. He believes Alex will come out of this to a better place where the rules are different because believing the opposite is just fucking unacceptable. He refuses to believe it. That's all.]

[Taking in a sharp breath, he ducks his chin and rubs his face.] Yeah.

[Yeah.]

Hope if you want. But if — if you can't, then I'll believe it harder. To make up for it.

[Which is stupid. It makes no sense. But he believes that, in one way or another, it'd make a difference. Faith always does (except when it doesn't).]

[ It's not. It's far from stupid, it's the sweetest thing Mista could've possibly said. In a moment of sudden, clarity, Alex swallows heavily and shuts his eyes tight. Jesus, he's just a bundle of joy here, isn't he? Mista's the one out here literally saying he's gonna kill a guy, and Alex is the depressing one?

He's grinding his teeth without realizing it. Poor habits. ]

H-- 'm so... You're one helluva guy, Mist, I- ...thank you. [ Another swallow, audible and thick. ] Really. Th-- ...dunno what I did to...get a friend like you.

[There's a snort, faint and unamused.]

I can think of a couple things. I like makin' friends with heroes, it seems like.

[Stupid dumb Alex. No matter how many times you tell him, he's never gonna get it, is he. Well, that's okay.]

Sayori's gonna come hug you in a little bit.

[ He really won't ever get it, will he? Alex sputters in a moment of embarrassed shock. ]

He- hero- c- c'mon, man, tha- that's going a lil' [ clears his throat, dragging his words, half-mumbling- ] neither 'a you have to, you know, s- do any...of that.

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