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That's not your responsibility. And you can't see to it. That's his choice, not yours.

Yes, it is!

[ Almost strange how forceful that is. ]

...I started this whole thing. It's... It is my responsibility. Whatever comes outta this... That's on me.

Edited 2019-11-08 01:38 (UTC)

Why? You didn't start shit. Explain to me how the fuck you started this.

'Cause I was the one to tip the scales. I took out my anger on 'im... I ignored all the really good signs why I should leave the guy the fuck alone. And then Will, 'nd Wash found out, and the fucker almost dies delirious in a jail cell.

'Cause I got myself killed.

[You dumb fucker, he doesn't say. Pauses, ties his words up in organized lines instead of swearing.]

Alex. You ever killed anybody? Killed somebody with your own hands, not this "I'm responsible by accident" shit.

[ His teeth grind together for a few moments. ]

Mista, that's not fair.

How the fuck is that not fair? How the fuck is that not fair, Alex? Get off the cross for five seconds and fucking listen to me right now.

Somebody whose only excuse for killing another person is to teach them a lesson just needed a goddamn excuse. You hit him? Hot shit. You know how many people every day in every world get hit for stupid reasons and don't commit murder?

Take this on your soul and I'll never fucking forgive you, Alex, I swear to you. You carry enough, you—

[—and he's yelling, he realizes. Fury bubbling under his skin. His voice goes flat.]

Killing someone, [he says, quietly,] doesn't just happen. It's a thing that's done. An action that's taken. Feel guilty about Ogata killing you and he's basically killed you twice.

Your choice, though.

[ Somewhere around the middle of that, around Mista's voice raising, Alex feels his insides squirm and go rigid. He remembers Clear practically begging him, pleading with him to let it go. Live, Alex, you have to live, that's what they're doing, right? If you let it get to you like this, you're already dead ~~he's basically killed you twice~~

Alex please, you can't lock yourself away. Please. Alex, you didn't do this, you saved people. Alex--

He shuts his eyes, hard, because he hates it. He hates when he can hear her voice, making sense, and he can't see her. Because she's not here. Because once again, he's finding her everywhere, but he can't find her. In the voices of other people.

He's been quiet. Alex hasn't been able to find his voice. Maybe Mista thinks he won't answer. Maybe he shouldn't. Maybe he

takes a shuddering breath. ]

If it's not my fault, why the fuck does this shit keep happening? [ Soft. Bitter. Angry. Pained. ] What...the fuck did I do...to make everything hate me so much?

[ (Clear would wrap him up in her arms and press their foreheads together. Clear would scream and curse at the whole universe if she had to. Clear would whisper him soft reassurances about defying the world together.
But Clear's not here. )

[There's two answers to this. There aren't two people inside of Mista, pushing two answers forward — but close enough. There are always two parts of Mista, one louder than the other until the second gets louder in turn, but he survives despite this inherent contradiction anyway. Fate versus free will. Fate and free will. When the question is what do you believe in, the answer is always yes.]

[Fate for the big things, free will for the rest of it. And: People in your life, or moments in your history that define you — that's the hand of God giving you a highway marker.]

[For Alex, a car crash. A plane crash. A train crash. And on and on and on, until what?]

[Until this.]

[What if the only way to end Alex's Death was to let it be devoured? No. The hand of fate doesn't work through the Hunger. He refuses to believe that. But if there's a purpose for him being here, then is there—]

[No. No. The sound he makes is practically a snarl, frustrated and tired and grieving at the same time as he knows this isn't the time for him to grieve.]

Because life sucks, Alex. Life's a fucking misery to the people who deserve it the least, some of the time. You think death's an asshole? Life's a bitch. People suffer. People die. It hurts and it doesn't stop hurting, not really.

[He's an optimist. But he's not fucking stupid. He's dumb but he's not stupid.]

So what? You gonna set traps for yourself until everything apologizes to you? You gonna hurt yourself so nothing else can hurt you first? Gonna feel guilty before you can do anything wrong?

Empty fuckin' way to live.

Edited (important comma) 2019-11-08 04:03 (UTC)

[ He's not going to say it.

For most all of that, he's not going to. But his hands are over his eyes, head cradled in them like an egg in a nest, and the bracer's at the perfect angle to catch the hiss of breath, right through Alex's gritted teeth.

The tiny, almost imperceptive laugh leaves his lips, and a scratchy admission follows. ]

You sound like her. You know that?

[Like standing under a freezing waterfall.]

[The anger doesn't go. But it drops, right down into the pit of his stomach. Hurts. For Alex, not for himself.]

I didn't.

. . . Sorry.

Don't.

She was always right.

[ Damn past tense. He slipped up again. ]

I spent...three months. Just hold up in my house. 'nd Death still came for me. [ Alex's voice sounds remarkably rough. ] She'd say...I couldn't let it get me like that. Get too crazy in my own head. My parents, they...they thought I'd gone certifiable. Maybe I had. Every day, she'd still... Even though it was out to get us both. She was the better of the both of us.

The day she finally got me outta my damn room, it... [ A slow, empty breath. ] It knew me real well. Knew how to get to me. She was too busy worrying about me, since I was... Since I'm a fucking wreck, and didn't see it coming. There wasn't any time. Force of it would've probably crushed anything it hit, and I just moved on instinct, and--

And that's just what it wanted me to do. Brick probably...caved in my skull entirely. And she... She was right there to watch.

[He listens. Still tired, still pissed, still over it. But this isn't his goddamn grief, no matter how much it feels like it right now. Thinking about fist-sized gut wounds and a pole through the eye, blood running down the stones, four bullets on the floor.]

[Hurts.]

Bet you a billion fucking dollars she'd rather that than you stay in your own prison.

[His voice is rough, but not without sympathy. It's just that it hurts.]

[ A humorless smile crosses his face. The arm the bracer isn't wrapped around, it reaches almost unconsciously to a coin necklace that's...so very out of place on him. Probably because it's not his. ]

Probably. ...I wasn't supposed- [ The world chills his mouth and burns him all at once. He swallows it down. ] I didn't want to leave her all alone. [ Again. ] I hope...she knew that. I wanted to...keep giving her...her second chance, and...

[ He's babbling. Rambling about things barely connected, things Mista has no way of knowing about. Pressing the coin deep into his palm, he breathes deep. ]

I'm just fuckin' tired. I'm just... I'm just tired of death.

You weren't supposed to get taken away from that. From her.

[Vicious, serious. Angry on Alex's behalf, for all of it. Because the world isn't supposed to work like that. Because at least he got a halfway happy ending before all of a sudden he didn't have it anymore.]

[There's a thump, something wooden, and a brief angry chatter in voices that aren't Mista's before they're quashed.]

Life isn't fucking fair but there's an order to things and it's not this. Something about your world is fucked sideways.

[He wonders what Death looks like, and if he could shoot it. Nice thought.]

It's not gonna be like this forever. It's fucking not. You're gonna get back to her and she's gonna say how right she was to tell you not to quit. And you're gonna go to more stupid parties and do more stupid shit and Death's gonna have to sit around with its thumb up its ass because it can't touch you anymore. If I have to make it happen myself it's gonna happen.

[Fuck Death. Fuck this. Fuck it all, he's done.]

[ The visceral rage in Mista's voice is almost overwhelming. As what can only be described as light collateral damage passes through the feed, Alex finds himself sitting stark straight before realizing it.

Be careful. Don't act rashly. Stop, please, it'll set off a chain reaction--

It's sick that his brain still operates like this. That he has to push it down, even after half a year living free of Death's machinations. For awhile, he'd had a little reprieve. Then Wonderland, and... Well. They've been much more frequent, since dying again.

Alex's whole body feels alight with pins and needles. He searches for something to ground him, physically, and...all he can find is Clear's beautiful, ugly sculpture, a lighthouse in the storm. ]

Mist. [ After all that verbal diarrhea, he's left with just...a whimper. That's basically what it is. ]

...I hope so. God, I really, really hope so.

[ At the end of it all, at least for now, Alex is even too tired to pick it apart with negativity. ]

[The thing is that he's got nothing to base his own confidence on. Most of the time, when he's confident, that ends up being the case. At the heart of things, and despite everything, he's an optimist. Even when he's looking at the worst of humanity, it's his nature to believe in the best possible outcome.]

[He's angry. He's so fucking angry. But the only way out of anger is through it, to something better than this. He believes Alex will come out of this to a better place where the rules are different because believing the opposite is just fucking unacceptable. He refuses to believe it. That's all.]

[Taking in a sharp breath, he ducks his chin and rubs his face.] Yeah.

[Yeah.]

Hope if you want. But if — if you can't, then I'll believe it harder. To make up for it.

[Which is stupid. It makes no sense. But he believes that, in one way or another, it'd make a difference. Faith always does (except when it doesn't).]

[ It's not. It's far from stupid, it's the sweetest thing Mista could've possibly said. In a moment of sudden, clarity, Alex swallows heavily and shuts his eyes tight. Jesus, he's just a bundle of joy here, isn't he? Mista's the one out here literally saying he's gonna kill a guy, and Alex is the depressing one?

He's grinding his teeth without realizing it. Poor habits. ]

H-- 'm so... You're one helluva guy, Mist, I- ...thank you. [ Another swallow, audible and thick. ] Really. Th-- ...dunno what I did to...get a friend like you.

[There's a snort, faint and unamused.]

I can think of a couple things. I like makin' friends with heroes, it seems like.

[Stupid dumb Alex. No matter how many times you tell him, he's never gonna get it, is he. Well, that's okay.]

Sayori's gonna come hug you in a little bit.

[ He really won't ever get it, will he? Alex sputters in a moment of embarrassed shock. ]

He- hero- c- c'mon, man, tha- that's going a lil' [ clears his throat, dragging his words, half-mumbling- ] neither 'a you have to, you know, s- do any...of that.

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