rockymountaindie | ic inbox (balance)

[ For a moment, almost, looking back on it is like falling back into it again. The unending darkness of a Piece Retired, left outside a gameboard for eternity. His vessel was damaged. Is. Then he was free of it, then back inside, and over and over and who's to say it can't happen again.

Two weeks then. And it takes another two weeks to shake it off again, remember there's a question. ] Yes. Stopped using it around- [ The exact time comes back as sand. ] Not important. Input still worked. Output wasn't worth the effort.

[ Alex feels his throat tighten. So, not only did he alert Lion to all that, he bombarded someone who was a prisoner in their own body with all of his...everything. ]

I really... I wouldn't've done it, if I knew. I wasn't thinking. Sorry.

[ And now he's using it as an excuse to beat himself up for being a person with emotions who needs help sometimes. There's a moment of silence, measuring words and intent and results against a single Person, before the answer is obvious. That Name is gone. As is the responsibility that comes with it.

All thoughts of results are tossed aside. Already went a little too far into honesty once, may as well just go all in. Heart to Heart. ]

Glad you did. It's not wrong to ask for help sometimes. Wasn't me, but at least someone was able to answer.

[ Still, Alex doesn't look, hands gripping his knees tight. ]

Yeah, Lion really- how, uh- how's- [ ...A brief pause, as Alex realizes he's known Lion for months, had a big, very emotionally intimate moment and everything, but doesn't- he can't place a pronoun, and it's a little distracting.

Will is Lion's... Lion's person. Taking a pause is bad. ] -'s Lion doing? [ His voice cracks. ] I- haven't gotten the chance to really, ya know, talk, since we, uh. We got back.

[ You know. Normally, he'd answer. He's chronologically challenged, not blind. His voice wavers, spirals off into guilt, has to cling to himself to maintain appearances. There's many ways to try and handle the slow suffocation of Depression. Give them space, be supportive, get down on their level to try and save them from drowning.

Another less-used method, is to kick out the chair they're sitting on. Disrupt the feedback loop of negativity with something else. ]

You sure like repeating the brat's name. You forget pronouns exist?

[ Oh no. Oh God. Oh no, mystery sniper come and kill him again- ]

N- no! No, I- I didn't. I didn't.

Then what is it?

[ This is said with all the vindictive joy of a cat who's just found a stuffed mouse and baps it. Only once, but once is enough. ]

[ If he looks up he dies, if he looks up he dies, he can feel the ice in his blood why is this happening-- ]

H-- hh- s- [ Tongue-tied, slowly, slowly gazing up, wracking his brain to remember every conversation- ]

I. I don't know?

[ can i get an f in the chat ]

[ F

The mouse gets bapped in the other direction. ] Lion's been doing better. Still a bit messed up after the... everything. My fault entirely. Though you should probably follow up after... that. Might do you both some good.

[ motherfucker didn't use a single pronoun ]

[ Is he

Is he being fucked with. Is Will fucking with him. This is a hospital, Will, and you're fucking with him-

Alex clears his throat and rolls one very stiff shoulder, deciding it's best to steer away from this conversation if he wants to have any sort of... Does he want catharsis? Eh. Jury's out. ]

H- uh. You- you hear about that...then? [ He's still in the throes of panic, so he doesn't dive right back down to the self-deprecation station quite yet, but. ] I just...kinda wanted... You know. Give some space, after I...exploded. Everywhere.

[ The only rule is you're not supposed to fuck with the patients, and Alex is a visitor. Tank can fight him. He's allowed to escape. For now. Lion is totally getting a replay of this mentally texted. They've had a bad month. Picking on someone who's stuck on a gender binary would be hilarious.

But that's later. For now, there's just a short noncommital noise of agreement, buying time to consider words. ] Not full details. Figured you wanted your privacy. But I know... [ About The Illusion. ] Enough.

[ He doesn't get the time to fret about it, nor spiral into depression, before he's emotionally kneecapped with a shotgun. ]

Which is an invasion of privacy. If you want to leave, I'll drop it ever happened. Delete the records, if you'd like.

[ At last, that draws Alex's full attention, with a slack-jawed stare. ]

What...? No, I... Can you do that? Just make yourself forget things? I- I'd think it like a...just a metaphor, but-

[ But he's talked to you too much, Will. ]

...I wouldn't want that.

Yeah. That's normal.

[ It is not normal at all. But it's fine. Alex's other knee gets shot out while he's horrified. ]

You said you wouldn't have done it. Now you say you wouldn't want to erase the fact you did. Learn consistency.

[ Jesus. He can't stay shocked for too long, because- ]

No, I- it's not the same thing, I mean- I wouldn't've done it 'cause I didn't realize I was unloading all that on someone who could- could hear me, erasing a thing you know like a memory, that's-

[ ...Oh. Oh, he actually stops for a moment, and his brows crease, and he feels his mouth go dry. ]

...That's different. To make someone unknow something like that. That's... It's different.

[ He forgot how multiverse theory works, huh. The Sea may be gone, but there's still the possibility - and thus the existence of - a world where didn't say anything. And suffered all the consequences of that. From how Lion made it sound, it probably would've lead to his death. Or Worse.

He's so very tired of killing monsters. ]

You're being dense again. [ Wow??? Ru- ] But I don't want a fight over semantics. If you're trying to apologize for talking, m'not taking it. There's nothing to apologize for. So I won't forgive you.

Will...

[ It's spoken with a low, annoyed groan, but also with some distance. He's- fuck, he's rubbing his head, trying to sort through something just out of his reach. He's distracted. ]

Fine, then. I'm- I'm still sorry for not listening to you. [ He did, really, but- well, people needed his help, didn't they? Stupid. Always putting that first without realizing...he could get them hurt instead. ] ...Not considering the consequences.

[ Yep, there it is. So dense. He sounds just as annoyed as Alex did just before. ]

Still not listening to me. You know I was talking about you, right? The consequences to yourself.

I know, okay?

[ But there's something on the tip of his tongue, something-- ]

I-I know I fucked myself up but good with all that. Believe me, I saw that, with the...

[ Fuck. Damn it, no, no matter how much he tries to focus on it, it's not there. ]

Wonderland. All the twisted shit. Put that on full display.

[ 'I know', he says, but it still comes off wrong. Consequences may have been a bad word. Makes it sound like he needs to take penance for what he did; that Wonderland was just showing his bad side, when what it was doing was jacking his head. His and so many others. And the words come out in a snap not directed at Alex at all. ]

You are not responsible for what you did in Wonderland.

[ The suddenness, the harshness- Alex flinches. And, for once, he's speechless. ]

[ Ugh. That's the worst part, every time it happens. The sudden silence. What did it. The words? The attitude? Did he do that thing where he backslides into being a monster again without realizing it? It's a bottomless pit that opens up in your thoughts, threatens to take everything with it. But it needs to be explained. He'll fester otherwise and he never listens, depressed moron- ]

Think I mentioned it a few y-no, months? I c- [ It's only on sheer instinct that the chasm gets dodged. Not the time. Not yet. Not when someone needs help. ] A strong enough sin comes to life and drags others with it. Wonderland's a textbook example. It's the exact type of job I'd normally be summoned for. That- it's contagious and infected you. If you were in your right mind, you would never have said or done those things. And that's the point. If you were in your right mind.

...An injury doesn't have to be physical. Think of it like that.

[ 'Don't be so hard on yourself.' Not because of what he did, but because of how he blames himself for it. ]

Edited (shhhhh) 2019-10-11 09:27 (UTC)

[ Will’s doing him a damn favor, using small words for idiots and everything. Still, there’s so much to process. Alex stares all open-mouthed like he’s catching flies. It shouldn’t be that hard to comprehend. Right? ]

...Is it always like that? [ Quiet, kind of breathless. ] That... Like the...the things you talked about, on the... [ Gestures absently to his bracer. ] Was it always that...hateful?

[ Rude. He knew there was a chance that trying to prod Alex into something Less Depression-shaped had a chance of the target spinning back to himself. And here it is, such a simple question, laid against countless memories that happened yesterday yet an eternity before. ]

With the rare exception, yes. ...But even the exceptions were like what happened to that boy.

[ Doing all those terrible things before realizing exactly what they've done. Then wanting nothing more than to be stopped. ]

[ This is what happens when you give a kid an early morning backstory dump, Will. Alex swallows, blinking. ]

I passed on messages...from some of his friends. Through Her. She said... She said he was happy.

[ He closes his eyes. ]

Whenever I think of those words comin' outta my mouth, I just...feel sick. I can't help it, Will. I'm trying, but- he was just a scared kid.

They were all scared kids once.

[ And it's said with this bone deep exhaustion, brittle like snapping straw, but it gets shut off quickly enough. The problem here isn't so much what he said about Niel. It's the fact he said it at all. ]

Trying's good enough. Be kind to yourself, Alex.

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