rockymountaindie | ic inbox (balance)

Yeah. That's normal.

[ It is not normal at all. But it's fine. Alex's other knee gets shot out while he's horrified. ]

You said you wouldn't have done it. Now you say you wouldn't want to erase the fact you did. Learn consistency.

[ Jesus. He can't stay shocked for too long, because- ]

No, I- it's not the same thing, I mean- I wouldn't've done it 'cause I didn't realize I was unloading all that on someone who could- could hear me, erasing a thing you know like a memory, that's-

[ ...Oh. Oh, he actually stops for a moment, and his brows crease, and he feels his mouth go dry. ]

...That's different. To make someone unknow something like that. That's... It's different.

[ He forgot how multiverse theory works, huh. The Sea may be gone, but there's still the possibility - and thus the existence of - a world where didn't say anything. And suffered all the consequences of that. From how Lion made it sound, it probably would've lead to his death. Or Worse.

He's so very tired of killing monsters. ]

You're being dense again. [ Wow??? Ru- ] But I don't want a fight over semantics. If you're trying to apologize for talking, m'not taking it. There's nothing to apologize for. So I won't forgive you.

Will...

[ It's spoken with a low, annoyed groan, but also with some distance. He's- fuck, he's rubbing his head, trying to sort through something just out of his reach. He's distracted. ]

Fine, then. I'm- I'm still sorry for not listening to you. [ He did, really, but- well, people needed his help, didn't they? Stupid. Always putting that first without realizing...he could get them hurt instead. ] ...Not considering the consequences.

[ Yep, there it is. So dense. He sounds just as annoyed as Alex did just before. ]

Still not listening to me. You know I was talking about you, right? The consequences to yourself.

I know, okay?

[ But there's something on the tip of his tongue, something-- ]

I-I know I fucked myself up but good with all that. Believe me, I saw that, with the...

[ Fuck. Damn it, no, no matter how much he tries to focus on it, it's not there. ]

Wonderland. All the twisted shit. Put that on full display.

[ 'I know', he says, but it still comes off wrong. Consequences may have been a bad word. Makes it sound like he needs to take penance for what he did; that Wonderland was just showing his bad side, when what it was doing was jacking his head. His and so many others. And the words come out in a snap not directed at Alex at all. ]

You are not responsible for what you did in Wonderland.

[ The suddenness, the harshness- Alex flinches. And, for once, he's speechless. ]

[ Ugh. That's the worst part, every time it happens. The sudden silence. What did it. The words? The attitude? Did he do that thing where he backslides into being a monster again without realizing it? It's a bottomless pit that opens up in your thoughts, threatens to take everything with it. But it needs to be explained. He'll fester otherwise and he never listens, depressed moron- ]

Think I mentioned it a few y-no, months? I c- [ It's only on sheer instinct that the chasm gets dodged. Not the time. Not yet. Not when someone needs help. ] A strong enough sin comes to life and drags others with it. Wonderland's a textbook example. It's the exact type of job I'd normally be summoned for. That- it's contagious and infected you. If you were in your right mind, you would never have said or done those things. And that's the point. If you were in your right mind.

...An injury doesn't have to be physical. Think of it like that.

[ 'Don't be so hard on yourself.' Not because of what he did, but because of how he blames himself for it. ]

Edited (shhhhh) 2019-10-11 09:27 (UTC)

[ Will’s doing him a damn favor, using small words for idiots and everything. Still, there’s so much to process. Alex stares all open-mouthed like he’s catching flies. It shouldn’t be that hard to comprehend. Right? ]

...Is it always like that? [ Quiet, kind of breathless. ] That... Like the...the things you talked about, on the... [ Gestures absently to his bracer. ] Was it always that...hateful?

[ Rude. He knew there was a chance that trying to prod Alex into something Less Depression-shaped had a chance of the target spinning back to himself. And here it is, such a simple question, laid against countless memories that happened yesterday yet an eternity before. ]

With the rare exception, yes. ...But even the exceptions were like what happened to that boy.

[ Doing all those terrible things before realizing exactly what they've done. Then wanting nothing more than to be stopped. ]

[ This is what happens when you give a kid an early morning backstory dump, Will. Alex swallows, blinking. ]

I passed on messages...from some of his friends. Through Her. She said... She said he was happy.

[ He closes his eyes. ]

Whenever I think of those words comin' outta my mouth, I just...feel sick. I can't help it, Will. I'm trying, but- he was just a scared kid.

They were all scared kids once.

[ And it's said with this bone deep exhaustion, brittle like snapping straw, but it gets shut off quickly enough. The problem here isn't so much what he said about Niel. It's the fact he said it at all. ]

Trying's good enough. Be kind to yourself, Alex.

[ And Will's job was to...

Part of Alex is starting to understand what they'd talked about in the mirror maze. ]

You really think it's all worth it? Telling it "not yet?"

[ It says something where, normally, anyone else would earn that snap of Absolute Certainty. Yes. It's worth it. It has to be worth it. To question otherwise destroys the spell. But Alex deserves a genuine answer. He's been through enough to earn it. That, and he's already ripped himself open verbally over a voicemail. If he can't do it in person, then the words weren't genuine.

Even so, it takes a thousand years. Or no time at all. Hard to say. But the answer doesn't come from some infallible celestial, but someone about as lost and tired as Alex is. ]

...Don't get me wrong. Even I second guess sometimes. I just keep it to myself. Better than... you know. Passing it to others. But there's no fault in that. I always come back to the same position. Even if it's for one or two people, they deserve a better world to live in. And if everyone gives up, nothing will change.

Not sure if it's worth it. But I hope it will be.

...'Kay.

[ After all that's happened, that honesty is appreciated. More than the urgent assurances. It means he's being listened to. Considered.

Alex's head is bowed, cradled by his hands. His legs swing back and forth over the edge of the hospital bed that was once Maya's. The smallest sound like a tired laugh leaves his lips. ]

You remind me a lot of Clear like this. She was an optimist too...despite everything she'd been through.

[ Will keeps saying people like Alex are the important ones. He thinks they're just as important. ]

[ Optimist. It still feels like an insult sometimes. How are you supposed to be a Realist if your head's constant in the clouds, this is why everyone thinks you're senile, all the rest. But it comes and goes in the same amount of time he spent caring the first time. ]

You heard me before. I wasn't always like this. But types like Clear are inspiring.

[ And Alex himself falls under the same bracket, sometimes, when he doesn't stop to think about what he's doing and then deconstruct into a pile of depressed legos. Best not to hammer on that for the moment. ]

[ If Will looks over, he'll see it, a smile on Alex's face despite the exhaustion, just barely peeking out from under his hands. That joy he associates with her...it's back in full-force. He's so relieved he could faint. ]

Sure as hell are. ...She was the only one to thank me for saving her, you know? But...actually, I think she's the one that saved me, in a lot of ways.

[ When it comes to her, despite the occasional wavering...this is his default state. Just go, just do. Act on instinct. Sometimes it hasn't worked out. But, more or less, he likes himself more this way. ]

[ The smile is a good thing. It hasn't turned up in years. No, wait, he hasn't even known Lion for a year, so it's months. How many- doesn't matter. ]

Yeah. I know. Lion's the same. Don't think I could've stuck with the... you know. In the voice mail. ...Without proof that people like that existed, I don't think I'd be like this.

[ Too bad it's in brackets. "But, more or less, he likes himself more this way." Same hat, buddy. ]

[ Glancing up, kind of...dropping his hands a little. ]

Well... I'm glad they do. For me, and...you too. Not to be weird or anything, but... I like this you. It's the only one I've known, but- still.

[ Of course he can say something like that about someone else out-loud but not himself but you know, he'll get there, he's getting there. ]

[ There's a downside for getting a bit too honest with friends. Alex gets one laugh, short and snapped, with all the negativity he usually feels himself. ]

'Least you do. Surprised it hasn't gotten me killed.

[ Forgot a word. Again.

But it's a crack in personality that gets smoothed over like it was never there. Alex doesn't deserve to get snapped at for things he's not responsible for. It's not even what he meant. ]

Sorry... Thank you. I-For the intent, I mean. I forget it sometimes. [ Often. ] ...Often.

[ Will's adorable. Alex has this knowledge and he wants to use it against him. Truly.

Except now it's his turn to get a little awkward, choking back his own snipped laugh. Gotten killed...huh.

Alex averts his eyes again. ]

Ye- no, s'okay. I like... I get it. Don't...don't worry 'bout it.

[ He can use his powers for evil via bracer serenading. Like a monster.

It's not a long lull in the conversation, but enough where anyone looking in from outside thinks it's awkward. It doesn't help both parties involved are nervous wrecks. But what's the options. He can't throw the same compliment in his face or he'll spiral off into depression again. Bringing Clear up out of nowhere would be too obvious a distraction. Even if his sense of time is fucked, old habits are not.

A hand is run down a mental list from the pamphlet of 'How to Maintain Casual Conversation with a Deployed Piece and Not Get Outed as Someone Who Shouldn't Be There and Also Who Shouldn't Exist'. Acquaintance Relation Section, Sub-Section 494 should work fine. ]

What have I missed? S'been about- a... [ A glance at the clock again. ] A week? Right?

Edited 2019-10-12 06:01 (UTC)

[ He can, and he certainly will. Just wait.

Alex grimaces at the question. Ohh, boy, that's... ]

Uh. Yeah, about that much. We've- mostly everyone's been...trying to find a way back to normal. Those...curses, seem to be wearing off, and...you know. A lot of in and out of this place.

[ Mild gesture around the med bay. ]

How many deaths.

[ It's still sad, but it's with the kind of blank, unquestioning acceptance of someone who's been keeping a running mental tally of how many people were Lost so far. ]

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