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Wh- No! No, I'm not.

[ -well, he doesn't need to know that the thought maybe crossed their mind, does he? Especially when the teasing makes them fuck it up, tearing the paper around a tape bit. ]

Oh, damn. [ Lion, he's standing two feet away, mumbling does nothing. ] I was- um, just being polite.

[ ... maybe they should work a little faster, then. Even if they're still refusing to tear the paper. ]

[ Don't laugh, don't laugh- no, he can't help it, he laughs a little, shaking his head. ]

Yeah, sure, I totally buy that. [ He Does Not. ] Ohh my god, you open presents like my mom!

[ It takes all the dignity they can muster to not immediately start sulking. They've been through worse. This is fine. ]

You don't have to buy it if it's true.

[ It Is Not. ]

And I do not! [ A pause, considering. And- yep, there's the pout. ] It just- it makes more sense this way, that's all.

Edited (i was a heathen and put the italic on the wrong side of the punctuation) 2020-01-05 00:05 (UTC)

[ Alex smirks. This is a hilarious pause to the sentiment. Hohoho... ]

You absolutely do. [ This is....fun?? Oh no. ] How's it make more sense? Dude, you're supposed to just rip it open!

[ Why does this feel so ominous all of a sudden-- ]

Do not. [ They sound so prissy. ] And I don't know what you're supposed to do when- er, where, you're from, but ripping the paper just causes a mess.

[ So they're definitely opening it like someone's grandparents, yeah. Whoops. ]

That's the point. It's fun! You don't sound like my mom, you sound like...like my mom's mom.

[ Yes, very astute, Alex. ]

This just takes forever.

That's called a grandmother, Alex. [ Wow, harsh. ] And it's not fun for me.

[ There's the slightest twitch at the needling, but they're too stubbornly focused on the present to react. ]

... But it... doesn't take that long, does it?

[ Like. They have most of it off already, but now there's that undercurrent of uncertainty to it. ]

[ He makes a face, he knows it's called a grandmother, Lion, bleh. ]

Long enough. It's longer without knowing what's inside the box, that's the important part. When I was a kid [ oh there that explains it ] I'd just tear through everything.

[ They pause at that, because- well. There's a lot that could be said. "It teaches you patience", maybe. Or "cool, still not my thing". Or "Alex, you're still a kid, what the hell".

Instead, they fiddle with one corner of the paper, trying their best to sound amused. ]

Ah, I doubt I would have been allowed to do that. [ Well, that's weird. ] ... My sister certainly kept trying, though.

[ That's ni- wait. ]

[ A curious little frown finds its way to Alex's face as he leans against one of the library tables. ]

Sister? ...You've never mentioned anything about a sister. [ There's a little something there, though, allowed... ]

[ Ah. They hadn't quite meant to say that - mouth running a few steps ahead as the rest of them tried to find a topic that wasn't bickering about paper or prying into why they have odd, stuffy habits - but they know better then to pretend it didn't happen. ]

In case you haven't noticed by now, I'm rather fond of my privacy.

[ There's no heat to the reproach, as their forced levity settles comfortably into the usual tone of dry sarcasm. ]

And really, when would mentioning her have done anyone any good? We've all... lost, those close to us, and I'm already far luckier then most. [ Another piece of tape is carefully unstuck. They don't look up. ] Complaining further would be cruel.

[ Unlike so many, they didn't arrive alone. It's something they're forever grateful for, selfishly so, because they don't know where they'd be otherwise. ]

[ If Lion's intended on shutting the conversation down, they've done a positively perfect job of it, as Alex sort of...wilts, catching himself. That's right. Why would anyone want to talk about what they've lost? Hell, he let himself believe a stupid joke for months, just because he was afraid of bringing up the subject.

...It's now he remembers, Lion also seemed to have a bad time around all that. It's true, they are lucky, aren't they? To have at least something, someone to hold on to. But... ]

I just thought... Commiserating over it's...better, somehow. [ It sounds stupid to even his ears. And he can't put a voice to it, the fact that even though Lion does have someone, by Will's own admission their worlds were sort of...thrust together. Lion's life--of which Alex knows little, aside from the magic and now the sister--and Will's life, they seemed far apart.

It's a weird, funny feeling; they know almost everything about him, and he knows...nothing. ]

...Sorry. Never mind.

[ Too late do they realise how dismissive they sounded, instead of simply uncomfortable. Too lost inside their own head, too distracted - aren't they're meant to be good at this? Words and diplomacy and soothing hurts, things they've been training their whole life to do, all in the name of managing their family, and here they are, fucking it up. Again. ]

No, no, it's-

[ A frustrated sigh, because- because they know far too well what it feels like to be on the other side of this. ]

It's... I mean, that's- [ Stop, start, stop and start again. ] I didn't think I was allowed to.

[ ... oh.

The present is left alone. Even if it hurts, even if they'd rather run from this, they can't focus on both at once, and this is too important to leave to chance again. ]

I- I mean, what would it sound like, if I brought up my life before? It's already bad enough that I'm one of the few who isn't alone here, and that someone else from my family was rescued, even if he doesn't remember me. [ Wait, what? ] But to just- to whine about everything else I've lost, on top of that?

[ They can't help it. The longer they ramble on, the shakier their voice gets, with a brittle, exhausted laugh bubbling up from somewhere deep in their chest at the final question. It's guilt, they know it's guilt, but that doesn't mean they can wish it away. No matter how much they want to.

They tear their gaze away from the table, finally looking across at Alex, uncertainty writ plain across their face. ]

How does that- how am I not an awful person for doing that?

Edited (grammar is hell, actually) 2020-01-07 05:52 (UTC)

[ There's...a lot going on here. Another member of their family? Who doesn't...remember them? Is it a death penalty? Something to do with their talk of magic? What is it-

Alex puts a hold on his bursting curiosity; this isn't what Lion needs, not more questions. What else is- ]

How's being upset about losing everything make you an awful person? [ He runs a hand over the front of his spiky hair- oh, that's...getting longer, isn't it? Shaggier-- and his lips curl inwards, 'til he has the lower one in his teeth. ] Would I tell...Maya, or Mia, they couldn't miss anyone else? No...friends, other loved ones? What kind of fucking dick would do that?

[ He simply meets Lion's gaze. ] I...don't let myself miss anything but Clear. 'Cause... 'Cause everyone else was...gone before that, and...missing my parents? ...I can't go back there. If I try, I'll just... I'll die, for good. ...But it doesn't mean knowing that doesn't...hurt, so much. I get...how much it could hurt, to hold that in.

[ A helpless little shrug, sad. ]

Just 'cause you got someone with you off the sinking ship...doesn't mean you're not still freezing in the fucking lifeboat. You know?

[ The longer he talks, the deeper that pressure in their chest grows. Because there's- there's so much context he doesn't know, little things and details they haven't told anyone for fear of making it true again, or for adding too much of their pain to the shoulders of others. So much of it matches up with what he's saying, too, in an awful twist of irony. Would he still say that if he knew? Probably. But they can't know for sure without spelling out every detail, and that hurts all the more.

For a moment, they are so viscerally thankful that he isn't a redhead. Not that it matters- Battler's already here, after all. But they don't need the weight of more unintentional comparisons on their sanity right now. ]

I don't...

[ Don't what? There's too many ways to finish that sentence. Keep insisting that it's different, that they're different, that they've always had to put others first so why would that change now, of all times? Or say that they've known people who would say exactly that - that they shouldn't miss anyone else because they already have it so much better, that it's ungrateful to dwell on what they've lost. That even now they can't let themself grieve. ]

I don't think I can go home, either.

[ What finally comes out is this. A startled, almost accidental truth, filler words to buy time to let them figure out what else to say. ]

For a lot of reasons. Not- not all of them make sense, and I knew what they were before any of this ever happened, so I- I shouldn't be tearing it open all over again just to- [ But they haven't let themself heal in the first place, have they? It's not hard to see that. ] Everyone else is grieving too. Wouldn't that make it worse?

[ Belatedly, they realise that this is probably what a panic attack feels like. ]

[ Alex, the boy who's been anxious for most of his teenage life, who lives life terrified of the world, sees something of himself reflected in Lion. At least enough to understand...they're not having a good time right now.

He knows what a panic attack looks like.

Though he's been firm and a little insistent, his voice drops to something softer and more gentle than you'd think he could wring out of himself, what with his rat-like gravely voice. ]

Hey. [ He shakes his head. ] Nah. I think...we're all hurtin'. And at least it's nice to have someone there...who can know what you're feeling.

[ A moment- ]

I'm sorry you can't go home. That really sucks, Lion. I'm really, really sorry.

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now seems like a good time to slap that big ol' umineko spoiler tag on

TWO MONTHS LATER.