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[rockymountaindie]

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[dialetheism]

[ Too late do they realise how dismissive they sounded, instead of simply uncomfortable. Too lost inside their own head, too distracted - aren't they're meant to be good at this? Words and diplomacy and soothing hurts, things they've been training their whole life to do, all in the name of managing their family, and here they are, fucking it up. Again. ]

No, no, it's-

[ A frustrated sigh, because- because they know far too well what it feels like to be on the other side of this. ]

It's... I mean, that's- [ Stop, start, stop and start again. ] I didn't think I was allowed to.

[ ... oh.

The present is left alone. Even if it hurts, even if they'd rather run from this, they can't focus on both at once, and this is too important to leave to chance again. ]

I- I mean, what would it sound like, if I brought up my life before? It's already bad enough that I'm one of the few who isn't alone here, and that someone else from my family was rescued, even if he doesn't remember me. [ Wait, what? ] But to just- to whine about everything else I've lost, on top of that?

[ They can't help it. The longer they ramble on, the shakier their voice gets, with a brittle, exhausted laugh bubbling up from somewhere deep in their chest at the final question. It's guilt, they know it's guilt, but that doesn't mean they can wish it away. No matter how much they want to.

They tear their gaze away from the table, finally looking across at Alex, uncertainty writ plain across their face. ]

How does that- how am I not an awful person for doing that?

[rockymountaindie]

[ There's...a lot going on here. Another member of their family? Who doesn't...remember them? Is it a death penalty? Something to do with their talk of magic? What is it-

Alex puts a hold on his bursting curiosity; this isn't what Lion needs, not more questions. What else is- ]

How's being upset about losing everything make you an awful person? [ He runs a hand over the front of his spiky hair- oh, that's...getting longer, isn't it? Shaggier-- and his lips curl inwards, 'til he has the lower one in his teeth. ] Would I tell...Maya, or Mia, they couldn't miss anyone else? No...friends, other loved ones? What kind of fucking dick would do that?

[ He simply meets Lion's gaze. ] I...don't let myself miss anything but Clear. 'Cause... 'Cause everyone else was...gone before that, and...missing my parents? ...I can't go back there. If I try, I'll just... I'll die, for good. ...But it doesn't mean knowing that doesn't...hurt, so much. I get...how much it could hurt, to hold that in.

[ A helpless little shrug, sad. ]

Just 'cause you got someone with you off the sinking ship...doesn't mean you're not still freezing in the fucking lifeboat. You know?

now seems like a good time to slap that big ol' umineko spoiler tag on

[dialetheism]

[ The longer he talks, the deeper that pressure in their chest grows. Because there's- there's so much context he doesn't know, little things and details they haven't told anyone for fear of making it true again, or for adding too much of their pain to the shoulders of others. So much of it matches up with what he's saying, too, in an awful twist of irony. Would he still say that if he knew? Probably. But they can't know for sure without spelling out every detail, and that hurts all the more.

For a moment, they are so viscerally thankful that he isn't a redhead. Not that it matters- Battler's already here, after all. But they don't need the weight of more unintentional comparisons on their sanity right now. ]

I don't...

[ Don't what? There's too many ways to finish that sentence. Keep insisting that it's different, that they're different, that they've always had to put others first so why would that change now, of all times? Or say that they've known people who would say exactly that - that they shouldn't miss anyone else because they already have it so much better, that it's ungrateful to dwell on what they've lost. That even now they can't let themself grieve. ]

I don't think I can go home, either.

[ What finally comes out is this. A startled, almost accidental truth, filler words to buy time to let them figure out what else to say. ]

For a lot of reasons. Not- not all of them make sense, and I knew what they were before any of this ever happened, so I- I shouldn't be tearing it open all over again just to- [ But they haven't let themself heal in the first place, have they? It's not hard to see that. ] Everyone else is grieving too. Wouldn't that make it worse?

[ Belatedly, they realise that this is probably what a panic attack feels like. ]

TWO MONTHS LATER.

[rockymountaindie]

[ Alex, the boy who's been anxious for most of his teenage life, who lives life terrified of the world, sees something of himself reflected in Lion. At least enough to understand...they're not having a good time right now.

He knows what a panic attack looks like.

Though he's been firm and a little insistent, his voice drops to something softer and more gentle than you'd think he could wring out of himself, what with his rat-like gravely voice. ]

Hey. [ He shakes his head. ] Nah. I think...we're all hurtin'. And at least it's nice to have someone there...who can know what you're feeling.

[ A moment- ]

I'm sorry you can't go home. That really sucks, Lion. I'm really, really sorry.