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[Mia would fight him anyway, with ample evidence-- but he doesn't voice those insecurities, and it falls quiet.]

Yeah?

What would you call it?

[She puts that big-sister honey all over her tone, trying to speak openly most of all, invite him into the space he's crashed into.

It is not a secret that she's dead.

And her regretting it... isn't a secret worth driving others away over.]

[ He's looking at the other fish. The jellyfish. Trying to make sure any who've taken a liking to him don't come their way. ]

Death. [ Eventually, someone's going to tell him he's crazy. Someone's going to tell him, again, that it doesn't work like that. It couldn't have. So, he's guarded. As with everyone. ] Just... It's just Death. With a grudge.

Hm.

[It's a gentle, half-laugh, as Mia looks away.]

Maybe.

[Another little laugh. She and her sister are always on the other end of someone's grudge, aren't they? It doesn't strike her immediately as literal, especially given she remembers how it felt to be dead. To defy death.]

I was lucky, though. I didn't have to stop there.

Edited 2019-09-17 01:09 (UTC)

[ He wants to almost clarify it. That Death itself is what has a grudge against him--or maybe that's too far. Maybe he's giving himself too much importance, and he's just...a gnat. An annoying fly, who it let buzz around for longer because it just didn't care enough. Because it was too much of a hassle.

He can never decide, just what It felt of him. ]

...Lots of people are like that. All this...you see it as luck? A second chance?

[Mia looks his way again, lifting an eyebrow.]

This? Being with the Bureau, you mean?

[A hand comes to rest under her chin as she thinks, new questions and other answers forming in her head.]

This... no. Becoming a Reclaimer, if Maya was here first? That must have been destiny.

[ That's...

Alex deflates a little. It should sound comforting. It should. Really. ]

Destiny... [ A vague grimace. ] If...you like the sound of all that. A reunion, like with you and Maya... Sure sounds like that could be nice.

Hmm. This wasn't our first reunion, though.

[Not for Mia, anyway.

But Mia can read the discomfort on Alex's face; his assumptions aren't the answers he's looking for. She doesn't know what answers he's looking for, but she does know her truth.]

Alex, I think I should tell you- I was active as a spirit after my death. For three years, actually, before we all ended up with the Bureau.

My sister and I and the other girls in our family were spirit channelers, and Maya was able to call me back from the dead several times. In the meantime, I watched from beyond the veil. That's just how it was.

I don't know that the Bureau will keep me alive or give me a 'second chance' when our task is done, but... I know I'm here to help her. That's all I mean.

...You remember what it was like? After?

[ His mouth's dropped open, in a kind of fascination and- and wonder. It's probably a strange reaction? ]

And that's where...the Director... [ It all clicks together, and that almost-positive, almost-relieved atmosphere evaporates. ] ...So you think when this is all over, it's...back to that again. Back to being...that.

[ A fist takes hold in his stomach. And he- ]

Why wouldn't they? After all this... What right do they have, to send you back to that?

Edited (word) 2019-09-17 03:47 (UTC)

[Mia watches every move of Alex's, each of his responses answering a new question of hers. Before she answers his though, she has one of her own, and trades a truth for a truth.]

To be honest, Alex, I haven't thought about it before you asked me. But...

Are you dead, as well?

[She doesn't mince words.]

[ He freezes. That alone should be an answer for her. That alone...

He looks away. ]

I was just...there. There was nothing, just- just darkness and black and I didn't know anything, just that I was there, forever, and I- I'd failed, I-

[ Bites down on his lip. Hard. ]

Yeah. I was fuckin' dead.

[Oddly, Mia's expression stops changing. It's unreadable again- gentle, but unreadable. That's not an altogether foreign sounding concept; even though she was at peace while dead, other spirits didn't have the same advantage- often as a result of how they died.

Mia takes a few steps closer before she speaks again.]

Where I'm from, death... Isn't always the end of the story. And someone once told me not to give up until things were really over.

[Her head tilts slightly to the side.]

If it's not over, I can't decide what the Bureau will and won't do, now, can I?

If it's not over, have you truly failed?

They-

[ She's approaching him, and he doesn't know what to do. The thought of going back to that, to that dark abyss, that hateful feeling, it terrifies him.

Despite how stupidly self-sacrificial he can be, Alex doesn't want to die. ]

I couldn't help anyone- I couldn't- they all died, and- and then, whatever I did, everyone kept- I couldn't stop them from dying, a-and then I left her alone, 'cause I- there's- there's nothing else I can do, if I d- die again-

[ It's stammers, broken sentences, and those hand tremors, the ones Mia would've seen when he freaked out about the landing, they start to return. He remembers they're underwater. His brain can't reason that there's something special and magical going on. What if he starts drowning? Of all the ways he's almost died, that- that was the worst one, helpless and the world going black, desperate for breath-

What if he dies? Why's he here? Why's he doing this to Mia, to another person, freaking the fuck out over something he can't control (because he can't control it)-

Alex gasps and when he doesn't feel his lungs catch fire his shoulders heave and sink. His eyes find hers, and all he feels is lost. ]

Everyone was counting on me.

[Oh, Alex. He really was far too young to die.

Mia watches him for a moment, a barrier of uncertainty between them as Alex's panic clouds the space. Her face does change, finally, though very subtly; the softening of her eyes, the ever-so-slight tilt up of her brows. She feels for him some fears that she didn't even think to feel for herself, and even though they edge at her mind from Alex's own panic, she's more concerned for him right now.

She bridges the space between them, grasps his wrist, takes his hand into hers and maintains that eye contact he's made. She doesn't try to stop his tremors or hold him still, just to link, just to connect.]

Then you've got to keep fighting for them, don't you? And for yourself.

You've got to believe this isn't the end. That it won't be the end.

[ There's a heavy lump in his throat, like cement in his shoes, weighing him down. Alex looks from her face to his hands, remembering every face he'd seen that day, on Volée Airlines Flight 180. ]

But I... Even if we win. It won't bring back everyone else. All the ones who...who died before.

[ So many people. So many people, every face etched into his memory, let alone the ones he "saved" and then- ]

I've- I've let down so many people.

[She aches for this boy. She holds onto his hand like a tether at sea. She doesn't know what his life was like before, but she's learning what he's like now; the evidence lain before her in Alex's panicking breaths when they landed in their pod, in his dedication to solving the crime at the inn, the way Alex's brain put together pieces that otherwise may have remained unconnected. She sees who Alex is now, shaking and struggling to breathe despite the magic making it possible.

She sees herself, years ago, watching Terry Fawles drink poison and bleed out on the stand despite her best efforts.]

Maybe you have. We all let people down, Alex.

But those failures... they don't cheapen our victories.

They don't make the lives we save less worth saving.

Edited 2019-09-21 17:19 (UTC)

[ Tod. Terry. Ms. Lewton. Billy. Carter. George, Blake, Christa, Mr. Murnau, Kate Stephen Lisa Sally Dave Joey Brooke Derick the flight attendant who smiled at him the crying baby the man with Lou Gehrig's disease--

Every face. Every single person. All almost three-hundred people, piled up on his back, fingers curled around his neck. Every. One.

He winces and shuts his eyes tight. ]

I've only saved one. By dying. And the... The Hunger...

[ He couldn't even save her. ]

One person is enough. One person is worth saving.

[Alex is so hurt, that pain spreads. Mia doesn't feel like she can truly motivate him, not the way her sister can, but she has to try- has to help him see that he just needs to believe. Mia moves her hands to Alex's shoulders, bracing him, trying to keep him steady, trying to ground him. She has no idea if anything she's saying is even working.]

And it isn't over. The Hunger doesn't have to win.

You haven't lost. You haven't failed. Not yet.

[ Something physical to keep him rooted there. He looks up, eyes finally focusing.

And, slowly, he nods. ]

She was. Is. She was worth everything. [ But the Hunger- no. His shoulders droop, as if he's going to collapse. There's a lot more give in this underwater world, though, so no, he doesn't. ]

I just- ...All I had...when I died...was that awful place. I don't...really know how much I can buy, that- that there's more.

There has to be more. And you have to believe in more. Your belief is stronger than death.

[Maybe it's because it was how she was taught, or maybe it's because of what Alex said earlier, but Mia starts to talk about death as though it's a separate entity, too.]

And death knows that. That's- that's why it tries to control you with fear.

[Alex might not know it, but these are all pieced-together answers from Mia reflecting on what she's learned about spirits and the afterlife as a channeler. A scared spirit has all the more chance of that spiritual torture after death, requiring all those rituals her family performed, anyway. And maybe that's not what Alex was going through, but it's all they have. It's the only shred of hope Mia has to offer him.]

[ That's...actually kind of nice, honestly. Most people don't talk about death like that. With It's will. More than anything else, that draws him in. His gaze blurs- can you cry underwater? Can people tell if you are?

He swallows a gasp and curls inward, just a little. ]

It's a fuck. [ Eloquence, gone. Roughly wiping his eyes. It's embarrassing, to cry in front of someone, especially an older woman. ] And I- fuck, I'm sorry it- ...it got you too.

[Well, if there was any chance of Alex not getting hugged, it's gone now. Mia puts her arms around that six-foot-tall boy and pulls him close to her, holding him tight.]

It's alright.

[She tells him, lifting a hand to pet Alex's hair.]

I told you-- it's not the end. [And she has to believe that. For herself, for Alex... For Maya and Phoenix, too.]

You and me are gonna kick death's ass.

[There, that was hip and cool with the teens, right]

[ It's awkward. He'd swapped bodies with this woman. He doesn't like people he knows to see him cry, let alone someone...like this. Someone grown and responsible.

But really, he's tired. And he doesn't want to pull away. He towers over her, which is weird, but then, they're underwater and he'd just witnessed the memory of her murder, so all of this was going to be weird.

He chokes a sob. Hates it. But, he leans into the comfort, almost laughing as she tries to be cool. Almost. ]

S- yeah. Sure.

[ He has to believe it. He has to. It's like what Will told him, if he can't believe it...then he's just giving up before even trying. ]

[Even if it weren't mentally awkward it sure would be physically-- but Mia doesn't act like it's awkward. She holds him with all the strength of a big sister, an anchor in the water.]

So don't give up. We're right here with you.

You are so much stronger than you think.

[ He sniffs, trying deeply to compose himself and rubbing at his eyes. It's... He's returning the hug, sort of. But after a moment- ]

Th- thanks. [ Even if he doesn't completely believe it. It feels nice, that someone else does.

The position does cause him to pull away, eventually, but it's gently. ]

...Thanks. I don't- ...it doesn't...get easier. To talk about.

[A long sigh-- which even Mia has to admit it's weird taking in a long breath of water. She gives Alex's arms a squeeze as a break to that hug.]

No, it sure doesn't. But... you can talk to me, when you need to.

[Big sis got ur back.]

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panic attacks ahoy, drowning ref

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more cw: discussions of suicide in brackets

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